Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
