when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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