I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
