My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
