I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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