But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize