hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
