So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
