I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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