My nipple is on Facebook.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize