In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize