he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
