this just has baby written all over it
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
