I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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