she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
