You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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