my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
