I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
