either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
