So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
