She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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