I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
