I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
