Bisexual people are plain selfish.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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