the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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