I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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