I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
