I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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