i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
