I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize