I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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