"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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