I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize