His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The beer is more important than you right now.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
