I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
