i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
