just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
