Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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