I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
