totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
