My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
