Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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