Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
