broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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