I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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