On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
This girl is more easily done than said...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
