Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
