I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
