i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
