its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
