Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Floor bacon is actually really good
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
