and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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