I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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