i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
