Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
