I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
