yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You were trust falling into bushes
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
