My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
